No longer the same. 

I know you're gonna say that i think too much again ,
but i realize as i stick to you ,
close to you , stay by you for too long , always by you.
you seems to get tired of me ,
or maybe me sticking to you puts you off.
i want to be by you ,
but somehow when i feel that you're sick of me ,
i'll show a face ,
ignore you ,
i don't like this ,
i prefer the us in the past ,
always laughing like silly dummy ,
smiling like no tmr ,
i miss us.

He's the one .


He's the one by my side ,
ups & downs.
thankyou much bei ,
i know i'm unreasonable at times ,
grouchy & show you attitude ,
but you understand & tolerate .
you're totally understanding.
unlike me .
i know i shouldn't cold you that night ,
it's all my fault ,
and i shouldn't gave a face when i'm lack of sleep.
i thank you for being there for me like a pillar.

you're the one ,


through this few days ,
through all the obstacles ,
i knew you're the one ,
you're there when i'm lost.
you stood by me though i ask you to leave ,
you solve things for me ,
when everyone give up ,
even i myself gave up ,
you told you didn't.
if it had not been you being by me ,
i don't think i still have the chance to sit here & post.
even daddy can see that you love me ,
thankyou m , i love you.

Haywire.

i'm snapping .
and i can't control my attitude towards you ,
sooner or later you'll dislike me ,
and my effing phone bill burst like till a hundred bucks ,
daddy sure terminate my line ,
then i can't contact you ,
& we'll drift further ,
idk what else to do anymore.
i lost everything ,
soon i'm gonna lose you.

lesson learnt /

beibei ,

i'm sorry to misunderstand you ,

i know my tears are nothing of help ,

i know i said wrong words ,

i thought i have my principles ,

but my principles couldn't work on you ,

i love you too much ,

but i never once regretted loving you ,

rmb you're my last ,

you'll always remain ,

i know you're uber good to me ,

i know i definately have to cherish you ,

keep my temper up ,

be ultra good to you ,

but just now you're being so stranger to me ,

you're like cold me ,

never meet me ,

my heart ponder , i can't help to cry ,

i'm sorry baby.

now is not you want to leave ,

is i scare you leave.

i don't want to lose you.

I laugh,

I love,

I hope,

I try,

I hurt,

I need,

I fear,

I cry.

And I know you do the same things too,

So we're really not that different, me and you.

sorry bei

you're back ,
i sucessfully change gentle when you're away ,
but idk why when you're back ,
i became fierce & not gentle again.
sorry.

i'm sorry to leave you alone at home ,
i'm sorry for the tears i cause you to drop .
i'm sorry to ask you leave me for other girls ,
i really felt i'm not good enough for you.
you really treat me well ,
but yet , i never treat you good enough .
i'm sorry to cling to you & cry .
i never try before crying when my boyf is leaving for home.
i also dk why i'll like that.

sorry baby m .

Day 9 without Marvin Tan

moody , ru guo wo bian cheng hui yi ,

saw your post , really shocked.
i thought you never see this blog
so i can post every single shit i'm feeling.

but well ,
your post brought a smile to my face.
tyvm .

idk why i couldn't sleep well every night
since you went for taiwan.
when the day is getting nearer for you to come back ,
it got worse ,
i'm wide awake till 8 or 9 am.
but i'm fine ,
i survived 9 days without you .
though i may cry but i'm sure , i'm coping well
cause i'm chlovelle , strong & tough .
i fear & anticipate for day 10 to arrive.
cause i rmb before you left to taiwan ,
you told me you want to be real self.
i fear to see the real marvin tan.
the marvin tan that i never see before ,
even before day 1 we know each other.
i fear to see that marvin tan that idk ,
it's gonna feel so strange if you behave
like how you're last time ,
how you told me what a person you're
way back before i know you ,
i rmb every single thing about you , i guess so.
though i miss you much ,
yearning to see you , hear you , feel you ,
but deep down , i'm afraid of the changed you.
i even thought of avoiding you so you wouldn't have
the chance to treat me cold & fierce like how you did
to your ex girlf ,
i was totally clueless about what to do ,
until just now ,
i think throughly ,
i decide to still continue to meet you ,
& accept whatever changes you made
for i love you for who you are.
unless you cross the line & i snap then that's it.

and you know what , i repent & realize what went wrong ,
i made changes ,
i changed back to that a lil gentle chlovelle , understanding girlf
that you always longed for.
even zewei said i changed gentle ,
hahaaa!
i told you to mark my words ,
use your eyes to see when you come back.
i'll treat you better than the way i treat you
before you left.
cause i refresh my memories &
hate the chlovelle that's not good enough for you.

and i went safra with shuchuan around 10pm ,

played pool with poh chai , weijie , shuchuan

zewei joined around 11 plus ,

around 1230 , bus 145 to redhill mrt ,

no more bus then zewei walked me home ,

reached home around 110.

going church later .

baby m , I miss you when something really good happens,
because you're the one I want to share it with.
I miss you when something is troubling me,
because you're the only one who understands me so well.
I miss you when I laugh and cry,
because I know that you're the one who makes

my laughter grow and my tears disappear.
I miss you all the time,
but I miss you the most when I lie awake throughout the night
and think of all the wonderful times we spent with each other
for those were some of the best memorable times of my life.

you're the only one that comes to my mind when i'm down & alone.

Precious C

14th June - 3.48pm

Baby M suddenly missed Precious C badly .
Hoping to see Precious C right infront of him NOW!!!

16th June - 9.36am

Missing Precious C badly again .
Felt so EMPTY that Precious C is not by Baby M's side.
How I wish I could HUG Precious C NOW!!!

17th June - 4.20am

Baby M setting of to see sunrise.
How I wish Precious C could be by my side .
Wish to see sunrise with Precious C.

-5.55am
Due to too much cloud ,
The Sunrise couldn't be seen.
Maybe because Precious C wasn't by Baby M's SIDE .
Disappointed!!!
Missing Precious C Badly again .

18th June - 8.45pm

Went to Love River @ KaoXiong.
Got ppl singing 'Tu Ran Hao Xiang Ni'- by mayday
It's exactly the FEELING Baby M is having NOW!!!
I really miss My Precious C .

Love Love Love

Day one without Marvin Tan

slept at 8am ,
woke up at 2pm plus?
roll around ,
bathe & prepare then
meet shuchuan & zewei at 7pm.
went cine ,
acc her to find yingrong's 2nd sis.
flea market.
baby jacob , yingrong's 3rd sis & his dad came down too.
went rummah tinggi take clothings ,
things happen , shag max.
home at around 10pm.

I still yearn to be the person that touches your heart and makes it skip a beat
I still yearn to be that person whose arms make you just melt
I still yearn to be the person that your destined to be with.

second 6th /

dinner with your bei's family ,

his sister was cute & ultra entertaining.

first movie with bei as well as his family , opps.

marmaduke , not bad !

then home with bei ,

& bei was running a fever just now , scare die me >:

after a sleep he's alright

& i'm so lucky to have a boyf that

will bring me out for supper when i'm hungry at night,

i'm a happy girl cause bei's with me these few nights ,

luv him ttm.

pictures !

11th

dearest ,

through alot of things ,

i know that you'll stood by my side

and acc me through it all.

i'm touched by your words & actions.

you're a perfect boyf ,

you took great care of me when i'm sick ,

you took care of my tummy when i'm mad hungry.

you let me feel the love indirectly through these

lil things ,

i'm sorry if i'm grouchy & gave you a face ,

i was feeling awful with that headache.

chlovelle tan will cherish you much !

and seriously you're the first guy my dad accepted &

he's so fond of you lah!

wonder what potion you used ,

opps.

you are like a part of me now ,

not meeting seems so uneasy & boring.

i miss you much after 2 days ,

you still happily mahjong hor !

luv you beibei.

10th , trust

wanted to your ideal girlf ,

changing no matter how hard yet

end of the day you actually wanted the chlovelle you first knew.

felt like a fool ,

everything's over.

ytd your words are really killing ,

afraid that you'll leave me after i gave you everything ,

your tone scares me .

maybe i'm paranoid ,

i don't know.

i only know we don't talk much except quarrels ,

how are we gonna survive a lifetime without communication ?

thinking all night in bed about my life , with you in it.

i know i need you , you're the one.

i start to pay close attention to your every move ,

you accidentally sent me the text you're gonna sent to your mum ,

i thought you were going somewhere & not telling me ,

at that point , i was caught in a turmoil ,

i knew what i could do is not expose you ,

not ask about your whereabouts ,

to prevent quarrels ,

to not let you think that i want to control you.

till you called me just now ,

i relieved you're home ,

relieved that i was thinking too much .

Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep. wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you're just as pretty despite you're fat or without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky he is to have you. The one who turns to his friends and says, thats her.

9th , thankyou M.

you gave me a wonderful birthday

by staying by me.

you sang with me at bar 1 ,

you caught me stuff toys ,

you piggyback automatically me for the first time ,

that cake , it's the thought that count,

though i didn't get to see my stars ,

but i'm sure you'll bring me to see some days.

i gave you my everything alrd ,

all the love , all i could ,

i hope you'll cherish it ,

recently you keep blowing hot & cold towards me ,

but i'll understand ,

and i know i changed this few weeks ,

due to those stuffs i'm having ,

i don't want to tell you cause i don't want to add to your problems.

i know i never think before i say ,

i'll change back to the chlovelle you first knew ,

i promise.

while you're in your sleep now ,

i'm using my brain cells to write that song out .

i hope you'll appreciate.

8th , losing you = losing everything .

i complaint that you're fiercer to me nowadays .
you pushed away my hand telling me that you won't
scold me ,
restrict me ,
force me , you said you want eat you eat , don't eat then be it/
you want do anything , go do.
to me , it's like telling me indirectly that you don't love me anymore ,
you don't care anymore.
i beg you like i never did , even to my parents .
you just don't care.
i chase after you ,
si can lan da to stop you for leaving me for good.
i never once imagine myself doing that.
maybe it's because last time , it's my ex doing that ,
so now it's revenge ,
till now then i realise i cannot lose you ,
you told me , "14 may , i marvin tan , want to leave you , chlovelle tan . be it i cruel or what , don't touch me , let go of me , you push my hand away , take it as i break promise , i want to leave. "
i was really lost ,
it's was really painful ,
i asked shuchuan ,
how ?
i lost everything ,
this is the first time i felt that losing my boyf = losing everything ,
i rmb telling people losing boyf is not the end of the world ,
but yet that was what i felt when i lost you ,
you're the first i felt this way ,
maybe i grow up & understand what's love.
idk too.
i only know i don't want to lose you , never.
then you went off with yingrong
and came back ,
i don't know why i can't face you ,
i was really afraid that you would say we're over.
till now , i'm still afraid ,
marvin tan , you're the first guy i would change for , not even my parents,
you're the first that make me si can lan da ,
you're the first that make me take down my fierce mask ,
you're the first that make me leave my pride for you,
i know this time , i'm really into you ,
totally that i can't lose you ,
only you ,
marvin tan huan jin.

7th , tears.

bei i know you not in good mood ,
i know you got alot of things to think ,
i know i should be understanding ,
i just pray hard that you don't keep everything to yourself.
you scold me for not taking my medicine ,
i don't know why my tears just fall so naturally ,
i felt very hurt when you scold me ,
you used to dote me ,
but i know i deserved to be scolded.
i'm not angry ,
i'm sorry.
you're really very power cause even my dad scold me , i also never cry lo.

6th , First Surprise.

I'M ULTRA SCARED LAST NIGHT WHEN I'M IN SUCH PAIN ,

I'M AFRAID THAT I HAVE TO LEAVE YOU ALRD.

AND ONCE AGAIN ,

I MADE YOU WORRIED FOR ME ,

THIS FEELING SUCKS TTM.

I'M ULTRA HAPPY CAUSE YOU GAVE ME

THE VERY FIRST SURPRISE TODAY ,

I WAS YEARNING TO SEE YOU , ONLY YOU.

AND YET I KNOW I MUST BE UNDERSTANDING SO I DIDN'T SAID MUCH.

WHEN YINGRONG CAME DOWN FOR SHUCHUAN ,

I SUDDENLY QUESTION MYSELF EVEN MORE ,

WHY IS MY BOYF SO BUSY ? UNLIKE HIM ?

THEN I THINK BACK & TOLD MYSELF THAT I MUST BE CONTENTED.

THEN CYNTHIA TOLD ME THAT GUYS WILL CHANGE ONE &

IT SCARES ME EVEN MORE , I'M REALLY AFRAID.

WHEN YOU APPEAR , I KNOW I LOST THE BET TO YINGRONG,

MEANING I HAVE TO BE GENTLE ,

BUT I'M NOT UPSET , INSTEAD I'M HAPPY TO LOSE CAUSE IT'S OVER YOU ,

AND IT ALSO GIVES ME A REASON TO CHANGE FOR YOU.

WHEN WE'RE PLAYING TRUE OR DARE ,

YOU GAVE THAT RELUCDANT LOOK TO

公主抱 WHICH REALLY SADDENS ME ,

BUT AFTERALL , I KNOW I'M HEAVY.

THANKYOU MY PRECIOUS , FOR EVERYTHING.

I LOVE YOU LIKE I NEVER DID.

5th , you're one in million.

i know i'm getting weaker each day ,
afraid to leave you one day.
i know i'm wrong to hide from you that night ,
but i do that cause i don't want you to worry ,
after last night talk with you ,
i won't hide from you ,
i'll tell you everything.
it's been long since spent so long hours with me ,
so contented ytd ,
sleeping beside you , i felt so secure .
hugging you to sleep makes me feel that we're gonna stick forever.
i love the way you kiss me goodnight on my forehead.
though you have to leave for your stuffs just now ,
i hate to see you leave but i'll be understanding ,
i know i'm clingy , but it's because i love you too much.

it's 6th , our 1st monthsary .

maybe i shouldn't use our , i should use my .

bei , you know how it hurts

when i take the effort to make you a scrapbook full of our pictures ?

i said before the first time i do for ginwei &

it'll be the last time i do something so silly.

yet , i find that doing it for you is worth it ,

so i make an effort to do it ,

yet what i get is ,

you don't even rmb our monthsary.

i don't expect you to give me a surprise by

appearing infront of me at 12am sharp .

telling me that you'll spend the night with me ,

cause you said before that you're not one that is romantic ,

and will do such stuffs ,

and i know you're tired and vexed due to your stuffs ,

and i know you might not be free for me tmr

thus i didn't say a thing to bother you ,

but accompanying me till 12am ,

telling me , baby , it's our 1st monthsary.

is alrd enough ,

and isn't too much right.

but you told me you're going to bed at 9.20pm.

so i threw away that scrapbook that i took the whole afternoon to make .

i know i'm impulsive but i really don't expect it.

maybe you think i'm childish to mind all this ,

but i mind because i care.

3rd , tears.

bei , you text me on 5th may , 1:21am ,
telling me you'll change to a diff person ,
won't treat me as good as before ,
telling me the marvin i knew longer exist from that point of time onwards ,
you said kind hearted marvin is no longer there ,
your heart turned cold ,
you got no choice but to let go alot of things ,
won't acc me as much as before ,

at that point of time ,
i'm really confuse and tears automatically rolled down.
i called you immediately but you reject ,
then i sent you a rather harsh text ,
i'm sorry for that baby.

then you told me that you fall out with your dad ,
you said you're gonna work & study ,
you're not in the mood to talk ,
you told me to remember to that you love me , and that's forever.

at that point of time , i tear harder .
i tear cause i realize i never understand what you're going through
and yet you still love me , assure me.

although whatever post here , you won't get to see till i leave you ,
but i really want to tell you ,
i'll acc you through everything ,
be with you , by your side
because you said you'll love forever.

2nd , afraid.

my intuition tells me you start to change ,

when we're at the library just now ,

i'm jealous like i never did.

you even ask me to let you sit in between me and her.

although your aim is to teach her ,

but i really felt damn jealous ,

i know i'm sensitive ,

but seeing my beloved being so close to my friend ,

it really sucks ,

then i try to cover my jealousy by keeping quiet ,

i try not to attitude you ,

i did everything i could to show you i'm not jealous.

i felt that you no longer yearn to meet me alrd ,

i can't feel or see that you long to meet me ,

you'll either say you're tired or you're busy ,

till i ask you to meet me ,

in the past , you'll always long to meet me ,

but now , it's me that is always asking you to meet me.

why ?

i have got so much why in my head.

the way we text , the way we talk ,

it's just like reporting to each other instead of

texting because we miss each other.

my heart hurts ,

1st , why ?

it's the first post ,

i create this blog to keep every single stuffs that Marvin Tan and me did.

it'll be recording our memories ,

i want to rmb every single lil detail ,

we started on 6th april 2010 ,

our very first picture taken on 15th april 2010 ,

he caught me stuff toys for the first time on 30th april ,

a total of five stuff toys , tigger , pooh , eyeore , 2 mickey .

he brought me out to dine with his family once at long beach ,

we went to shisha together for the first time ,

i cooked him bake rice once ,

i cooked him egg with cheese ,

i cooked him noodles ,

he's always there by my side though at times he's time is rather limited.

he's one in a million ,

i got no idea why would i want to record down our stuffs when i could jolly rmb ,

but i'm really afraid that one day i'll have to leave him due to gastric cancer ,

at least he can look back into our memories through this blog i created for his sake.

bei , i feel very xinfu waking up next to you ,

i cherish every moment with you ,

i would love to acc you down the road of our future ,

so i'll keep updating this blog ,

and if one day i really were to leave ,

this blog , our photos & stuffs will be my last present to you ,

please take care of yourself ,

i love you a million.